MST3K: Buffy? She must of had a terrible childhood
by Phincus
Summary: Wowza, can't believe this is #4 already, almost made ME go insane too! Anywho, Raziel and Kain of Blood Omen and Soul Reaver fame guest star, Darc'i gets to skip her moive duties, honey flavored maonaise.


Mystery Gamer Theater 3000   
  
In a not to distant future   
Somewhere in between TR1 and 5   
Lara and her worthless friends,   
Were caught in a nasty place   
  
Lalala   
  
Natla put them in the farthest of the Artics   
To let them suffer and mock bad fics   
They're there because Lara is an annoyer   
And she went and offed her employer   
  
"I'll send them cheesy stories."   
"The worse I can find!"   
"They'll have to sit and read them all,   
and I'll monitor their minds!"   
  
Lalala   
  
Now keep in mind they can't control   
When the torture begins or ends   
They'll have to keep their sanity with the help of   
Powerful drug-esque friends   
  
Oddly named peoples Roll Call   
  
Jeeves (camera/old gassy guy...with a vengeance)   
  
Darc'i (eat high heel!)   
  
Regina (boingy, boingy, boingy)   
  
If your wondering how they're still alive   
Just remember to breathe and close your eyes   
It really just still a stupid show   
And you should really just relax   
  
Mystery Gamer Theater 3000!   
Some where with a computer counsel a bored teenager is writing and taking her anger at the world out on other peoples bad fanfics, and guess what. She has broken down and has a disclaimer for you! Noooooooo! Have all her moral ethics been so muddled by adolescence that she has stooped to writing a disclaimer!?!   
  
Ra(chel): Hiyo, I think I've been lucky so far. No one has killed me for insulting their fan fics or told me to bug off. That is good, but now I'm going into uncharted territory and making fun of something millions of american idiots watch. Yes, I am, of course, talking about Buffy the idiot*. Flame, enjoy ...whatever (as Squall would say), just don't track me down and kill me. Also, defiling my e-mail box would be pointless as well since I'm really impervious to anything but lingering death. Thank you, and g'night!**   
  
*not real name, it's my master plan to confuse and annoy a more wide spread audience   
  
**In the writing of this 'disclaimer' I was informed it wasn't really a disclaimer. If you wish to complain about this please write to: pheonix_derk@yahoo.com. Some one will be happy to complain with you.   
  
Regina is the only one in the main room; she is sitting with a phone in her hand randomly dialing numbers. Every few numbers she screams 'HELLO!?' into the receiver and then starts dialing again. Eventually Darc'I walks in.   
  
Darc'I: What are you doing?   
  
Regina: What's it look like? I'm trying to reach some one who could get us outta here! Problem is I can't find a phone book and I don't remember anyone's telephone number. Now shut up and help me.   
  
Darc'I: *shrugs* have you asked Lara if she knows anything?   
  
Regina: No, doesn't Eidos give you people a directory or something? Capcom got too cheap.   
  
Darc'I: Yeah, I'm using it to hold up a bad leg on my couch back at my apartment.   
  
Regina: Oh, that makes sense. LARA!!!   
  
Lara comes running into the room.   
  
Lara: What!? What is it!?   
  
Darc'I: Do you still have the phone book that Eidos gave us? You know, the one with all the listing of their characters?   
  
Lara: Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm using it to hold up a bad leg under my desk. Man, those things have a MILLION uses!   
  
Darc'I: Foremost amongst those is holding stuff with bad legs up?   
  
Lara: ...Yes.   
  
Regina: Hey! Could we get back to me here!?   
  
Lara: Well, what do you want that was so damn important?   
  
Regina: That phone book, fetch it.   
  
Lara: ...if you ever phrase something that way again I will kill you. I'll let it slide this time, be right back.   
  
Lara runs off to her room, we stay with Darc'I and Regina however. They sit there looking bored for a few seconds suddenly there is a great deal of scraping, yelling and basically sounds of heavy stuff being moved around. They sit there for a few more moments then Lara comes running back in.   
  
Lara: Got it!   
  
Darc'I&Regina: All right! Now we can get outta here!...   
  
Suddenly the light dealie starts flashing and Natla comes up on screen.   
  
Natla: Howdy!   
  
Lara: Since when do you say 'Howdy'???   
  
Natla: ...shut up, um, now what was I gonna say? Damn you! I've lost my train of thought!   
  
Regina: I think it was something about letting us go...? *looks innocent*   
  
Natla: Now why would I say that? OH YEAH! I remember now! *grins happily to herself* I've found another fan fic! Well, I didn't find it, Larson and Pierre went out and did, but they're on MY payroll so I found it!   
  
Darc'I: *examining her fingernails* Uh-huh, that nice. What's it about?   
  
Natla: Buff-   
  
The lights start flashing and pandemonium breaks out as usual.   
  
Lara: Story sign! Screw it; well find out in a few, let's go!   
  
6...5...4...3...2...1...0...theater.   
  
Everyone piles into the theater, Darc'I trips; gets trampled underfoot than makes her way to her seat. Lara in the middle, Regina to the right and Darc'I to the left.   
  
Tickery   
  
Regina: Like the sort Natla used to get us here?   
Darc'i: Those booze were damn strong.   
  
By: Luna50@aol.com   
Disclaimer: Buffy and Slayers don't belong to me, just a fan!   
  
All: *cough!* idiot, not fan! *cough!*   
  
***   
The computer screens glowed dimly in the dark, drafty room.   
  
Lara: Because...the power switch was...ON!   
  
Cordelia Chase pounded on the keyboard in frustration. "I really hate you..."   
  
Regina: Uh! Take that! I hate you, you stupid keyboard you! Uh!   
  
She growled.   
  
Darc'I: So this person was half animal?   
Lara: Or more than half...   
  
She had never been good with a computer that was more of a Willow department.   
  
Regina: Yeah, trees were just sooo much better at using computers than half dog people.   
  
She had been assigned to look up some information on a possible new demon   
  
Lara: It looked a lot like her current employer.   
  
; exactly how she wanted to spend a Friday night. Yeah...right   
  
Darc'I: She'd rather be in a bar getting drunk off her ass.   
  
. When Cordelia first arrived in Los Angeles, she had hopes and ambitions.   
  
Lara: Um, that generally ISN'T what people who come to or live in LA have...   
  
Now, all that was gone, her acting career down the drain.   
  
Regina: She had scared all the other actors with her growling and extremely furry body.   
  
She should have been thankful, not many people could get jobs in LA however...   
"Problems?"   
  
Darc'I: *sob* you were wrong! Hitting the keyboard WONT get the computer to make coffee for me!   
  
Chills ran up her spine. Angel had become a little too good at lurking in the shadows.   
  
Lara: He'd gotten so good that he was now stuck in the wall.   
Regina: *as Cordelia* stop talking to me you freaky-wall-man!   
  
"God Angel, can't you come through the door like normal people?"   
  
All: Do-oo-or? What's a door?   
  
Angel simply blinked in confusion, "Sorry...Find anything?"   
  
Darc'I: Sounds like someone's been taking confusion lessons from Vincent.   
Lara: Yeah, but I don't think Vincent would like hanging around with vampires who repeatedly get kicked in the face with high heels.   
  
"Besides gruesome demon details that will haunt my nightmares for years to come? Nothing, how about you? M&M?"   
  
All: *jumps* What!? Where!?*pulls out various weapons*   
  
Cordelia always busted out candy whenever research was involved.   
  
All: Oh, the candy, thank goodness.   
Lara: Thus making her a real lard ass, since she was currently a librarian.   
  
It was the only thing that could keep her awake.   
  
Regina: *twitching wildly* BOINGY! BOINGY! BOINGY!   
  
She just shrugged when Angel refused her offer   
  
Lara: *as angel* Sorry, I only eat Reeses Pieces.   
  
and popped a red one into her mouth.   
  
Darc'I: But she missed and it went up her nose. *as Cordelia* Sure you *snork* don't want one?!?   
  
"Nothing, same old thing. But...according to one of my sources, the attacks are getting more vicious."   
  
Regina: They've started attacking the local McDonalds! Those bastards!!!   
  
Angel trailed off, shaking his head. This outbreak of attacks never resulted in death; just a few injuries and some damaged property. Angel decided it wasn't the work of kids, considering the amount of damage caused.   
  
Darc'I: Call in the A-Team, Mr.T'll get them and put 'em in the youth centers.   
  
It also wasn't any common thief.   
  
Lara: No, no, it was an UNcommon thief.   
  
Nothing was ever stolen from the crime scenes, the police were very confused   
  
Darc'I: !!! I resent that!   
  
as to who would break into museums with diamonds and rare paintings and yet take none of it for themselves.   
  
Lara: Well...me for one...really, I just do it for fun and to avoid the rush during the day. That, and this way I don't have to pay for membership!   
  
Angel thought the answer was very obvious. Someone was searching for something; the question was what?   
Angel got a sudden idea.   
  
Regina: *as angel* I've suddenly gotten an idea! Ow, ow, ow! My brain! Overload, overload!   
  
"Hey, did you run a check of possible magical items in the area?"   
  
Lara: Ah, the magical items of the urban area. Rarest amongst them is an undefiled wall, uncracked sidewalk, or a house that looks different than the others in some way except painting.   
  
Learning long ago not to question Angel's "hunches," Cordelia quickly typed some words into the search engine.   
  
Darc'I: Did those words include 'thingy' 'boingy' and/or 'high heel'?   
  
The results weren't what she expected. "Huh."   
"What? What is it?"   
  
Regina: Exactly what I said dumbass, 'huh', nothing more, nothing less.   
  
"Take a look for yourself."   
Angel pulled up a chair   
  
Lara: And attempted to sit down, but Cordelia thought it was real funny to pull it out from under him. She died latter that day.   
  
and looked in shock at the search results. The Museum of LA had just received a casket that had just been unearthed in a recent excavation in Europe.   
  
Lara: *pulls out a laptop* Hmm, wow, they actually have a website!...however most of it is about fossils and tar pits, must be a modern events museum about LA itself.   
  
The newspaper article included a small picture of the casket. It was made of gold with various designs all over it.   
  
Regina: Never mind what the designs were, it just mattered that a ceremonial burial item from an excavation in Europe had symbols on it.   
  
What disturbed Angel the most was the largest symbol in the middle of the casket. "We've got a big problem."   
  
Darc'I: *looking down* Oh no! Three little stars! Run! Run for your lives!   
Regina: What a mighty problem this is.   
  
***   
Buffy Summers sat impatiently beside a fresh grave, tapping her feet lightly on the ground.   
  
Regina: *as Buffy* Ugh, like, hello!? You people gonna bury me, or, like, what!?   
  
The fighter deep inside was growing restless.   
  
Darc'I: Too much caffeine.   
  
Despite everything going on with Dawn and Glory, she still couldn't ignore patrolling every night. Nothing stayed at rest for long;   
  
Lara: Her bladder for instance, she had to be quick though or else the cemetery guard might catch her.   
  
there was never just one enemy to focus on. Buffy had a lot of extra energy to work off tonight,   
  
Regina: 1, 2, and 3...   
All: Boingy, boingy, boingy!   
  
unfortunately it was an hour until sunrise and it didn't seem as though she was going to be seeing any action tonight.   
  
Darc'I: If she didn't stay out of the sun she would, unlike her vampire co-stars, have her eyes unshadowed! Oh the horror!   
  
Her body suddenly tensed. Her slayer instincts were warning her of someone approaching her.   
  
Regina: Some one she could kick in the face with her high heel!   
  
She pulled out a stake and waited.   
  
Lara: And waited and waited and waited, eventually she got bored and went home.   
  
All her brain cells begging for a battle.   
  
Darc'I: Fight, fight, fight, fight!   
Lara: Dash us out of your head! Come on, since when does someone like YOU need reliable brain cells anyway!?   
  
"Well, isn't this a coincidence? Hello luv."   
Buffy's jaw tightened. She should have known. Only Spike would walk right up behind her while she was fully armed.   
  
Regina: She has a sharpened stick, this is fully armed? Gads, a pencil is more dangerous.   
  
"What are you doing here?" This was really not what she needed at the moment.   
  
Darc'I: What she needed at the moment was a nice gun, and then maybe she could consider herself 'fully armed'.   
  
Spike looked visibly hurt.   
  
Lara: Especially when she plunged her big pointy stick into his thigh.   
  
"I was just on my way home Slayer. No harm done. I don't think that bloke is going to be getting up tonight." He said motioning towards the grave. "But, just in case he does, I guess I'll stick around." Spike plopped onto the ground sitting across Buffy and pulled out his box of cigarettes.   
  
Regina: Rearrange, then add and subtract a few letters from that guys name and you get 'Snake'. Suspicious...   
  
Buffy mentally groaned   
  
Darc'I: Sounds painfull.   
  
as Spike exhaled a puff of smoke. This was definitely not how she wanted to spend the night, especially since Spike's sudden declaration of love.   
  
Lara: Oh gads, either she mistook a phrase that a 6-year-old child would understand or we missed something.   
Regina: I'm thinking it's the former.   
  
It still gave her the creeps. What creeped her out even more was that she beginning to become unsure of who Spike really was. He'd changed so much since their first meeting.   
  
Darc'I: Oh no! He must be from Mission Impossible 2! Run! Run! He's going to peel off his face any second now!   
  
And if there was one thing Buffy hated most was not being sure of anything.   
  
Lara: She must hate a lot of stuff then. From what I can remember she doesn't go to school, thus she must be unsure about lots.   
  
Spike seemed to sense her uneasiness and smiled lightly and said in a mocking tone. "You can't deny it slayer. There's something between us."   
  
Darc'I: Of course I can't, there's the ground, some air, a script, my big pointy stick...   
  
"Be quiet." Buffy huffed.   
  
All:...Bwahahahaha! Oh gads! Hahahahaha! Oh, that is too much! We can't even think of anything! 'Buffy huffed' oh lords!   
  
Spike quietly chuckled as he glanced down at his watch. "I don't think there'll be any slaying tonight."   
  
Regina: Well, that depends if you're considered the living dead or not.   
Lara: Staby, staby.   
  
Buffy hated to admit that he was right...but he was. The sun was going to rise in about ten minutes and only a very stupid vampire would even bother to rise from the grave.   
  
Darc'I: But then only a very stupid actress would be on this show, these things can happen!   
  
And then, for the second time that night she felt her muscles tense up. "Something's here."   
  
Lara: Oh, it's just my pizza. Can you lend me some change?   
  
Spike sat up quickly, eyes darting all around.   
  
Regina: Then he fell over back wards, and that hurt a lot so he went home. The end!   
  
There was nothing, only the sound of crickets chirping filled the graveyard.   
  
Darc'I: Oh god! CRICKETS!!! RUN!   
  
Bouncing off the trees and filling the graveyard with a melancholy environment. Suddenly, before either vampire or slayer could get their act together, something jumped from the tree.   
  
Regina: Pizza here! Where's my money?!   
  
"Get down!"   
  
Lara: No to the side! Wait, left, hold on, right! Arrrgh! Screw you anyway; you're not even listening!   
  
Buffy dropped to the ground and barely missed being taken into the air by the creature's gigantic claws. Spike on the other hand wasn't that lucky.   
  
Darc'I: They dropped the pizza, those bastards!!!   
  
"Bloody hell!"   
  
Regina: MY PIZZA! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!   
  
Buffy took a quick glance over her shoulder to survey the damage. Spike had a long gash down his back that had torn his duster in two.   
  
Lara: No! My feather duster! How will I make my living now!?   
  
He'd survive. The tree the creature had jumped out of was not broken apart into thousands of pieces.   
  
Darc'I: Um, okay. Do we really care? Perhaps if it WAS broken into thousands of pieces we would, but...   
  
Jumping to her feet, she began to dash after the bird-like creature with Spike not far behind. Buffy pulled out the only weapon she had.   
A stake.   
  
All: The pointy stick will save me!!!   
  
She felt very foolish.   
  
Darc'I: Gee, she's finally catching on.   
  
This monster had a wingspan of over 100 feet and the body itself was at least two stories tall. Why she hadn't spotted it before was beyond her.   
  
Lara: Maybe she has bad peripheral vision?   
Regina: No, they were just too occupied waiting for the pizza.   
  
The bird was lowering towards the ground and Buffy took aim.   
  
Darc'I: She flung her pointy stick at it and then ran screaming from the graveyard, the stick bounced off the monster who then went off and terrorized the populous.   
  
With all the strength left in her muscles she threw the stake right into the creature's wing.   
  
Lara: It didn't like that much, so it ate her.   
  
It fell to the ground with a loud crash.   
  
Regina: Boom.   
  
With a piercing shriek it swung his wing and it collided with Buffy sending her slamming into a tree.   
  
Darc'I: Oh man, poor tree! Bet that left a dent.   
  
Luckily, Spike finally caught up and leapt on the bird and punched it in the face, a gush of blood poured out of it's nose.   
  
Regina: Since when do birds have noses? Wait, since when are they hurt by pencils and grow to 2 stories tall? Stupid fic.   
  
Howling in pain, it bucked him off with all its might, sending Spike to the ground with a loud thump.   
  
Darc'I: Boingy, boingy, boingy.   
  
The creature didn't waste the opportunity, with both its opponents on the ground it took to the air again sending a gush of wind towards the vampire.   
  
Lara: Oh no! Not wind! I know for a FACT that vampires can't stand wind! *rolls eyes*   
  
Buffy stood up and   
  
Lara: Fell down.   
  
watched the creature's retreating form. Whatever had attacked was long gone now.   
  
Regina: I thought they made it pretty clear it was a bird on steroids.   
  
Looking behind her, she saw the sun rising over the horizon. She'd worry about what exactly that thing was for the morning.   
  
Darc'I: Despite the fact it could be killing millions right now.   
  
For now...   
"We'd better get going. You're hurt and the sun is rising..."   
  
Lara: On second thought, stay right there. I'll, um, come pick you...up...yes, that will do...   
  
She trailed off as she saw a small glimmer of hope in his eyes. "No...I didn't mean it like that!"   
It was almost amazing how quickly his face changed.   
  
Regina: In too a look of unconcealed relief?   
  
Stuffing his hands into his pockets he muttered. "You sure know how to make a guy feel great slayer." His voice dripped with sarcasm.   
  
Darc'I: Buffy of course didn't get the sarcasm and said proudly 'Thanks!'   
  
It had been a silent trip to Spike's crypt.   
  
Regina: Too silent, Buffy was dead! Yay!   
  
Although Buffy heard Spike complaining occasionally that the creature had destroyed his favorite duster. Buffy's breath was taken away as she entered the dark home.   
  
Lara: Literally, Spike had decided he was hungry.   
  
Usually, Buffy would try to block out the filthiness of Spike's lair but this time she was surprised to find the place in some sort of order.   
  
Darc'I: Well, he IS a maid you know...   
  
"Wow. Doing some early spring cleaning?"   
Spike looked just as surprised as she did. "Not to my knowledge..."   
  
Regina: But then, I'm not really knowledgeable about so much...maybe I did...   
  
At first, Buffy figured that maybe Spike had been drunk out of his mind the night before and was perhaps filled with a strange inspiration to clean up home. But then a second glance at the place told her otherwise.   
  
Darc'I: Since obviously the first glance just wouldn't do.   
  
The place not organized at all, in fact, there was nothing in the crypt to be organized.   
Buffy raised an amused eyebrow;   
  
Lara: An amused, painted on, eyebrow.   
  
"Now let me get this straight...you were robbed?"   
"Bloody grave robbers!" Spike growled. Stomping through the crypt, Spike knocked furniture over and punched a hole in one of the walls. The robbers had taken everything. Nothing but furniture was left.   
  
Regina: Well, it's something I suppose...sounds better furnished than Darc'I's apartment.   
Darc'I: Hey!   
  
"Well...no big deal right? You weren't exactly Mr. Personal Possessions." Buffy said sheepishly as she looked at the crypt that actually looked worse now than it had before.   
  
Lara: Hey! She finally made up her mind! It DOES look bad now!   
  
"No slayer, this is a very big deal." Spike said. Out of habit, he reached in his pocket for a cigarette only to discover that there was none left. "Bloody hell. Could anything else go wrong tonight?"   
  
Darc'I: Dammit woman! I want my nicotine!   
  
"That's usually a yes here in Sunnydale.   
  
Darc'I: *in travel person's voice* Yes, Sunnydale. Where you can be eaten by birds on steroids, get chased by the living dead, and so many other adventures! So when you go on vacation, don't settle for the ordinary, settle for the extraordinarily annoying!   
  
So...why is this a big deal? Some kids broke in here as a joke, found some things of small wealth and took them. Happens all the time, it's called a crime."   
  
Regina: Oh! Big world Miss. Slayer, you get an apple!   
  
"Don't get cute with me Slayer. It's what they took that has me worried. Come on, we got to talk to the Watcher."   
  
Lara: Watcher? As in watching what?   
  
"But the sun is already up and...oh." Buffy made a face as Spike gestured towards the entryway to the sewers. "Great, why not? Everything else has gone wrong tonight. Why not ruin my new outfit as well? Lead the way."   
  
Darc'I: Look! The three stars! Our saviors!   
Regina: Qucikly! Run!   
Lara: Let us mosey!   
  
0...1...2...3...4...6...rec room   
  
Regina is looking through the phone book with Lara, Darc'I is standing near by with the phone in hand.   
  
Lara: Found them!   
  
Regina: Where?   
  
Lara: Right there, now, should we call Kain or Raziel?   
  
Darc'I: Hurry up, I'm tired of holding this stupid phone.   
  
Regina: Alright, shut up a second Darc'I, let's call...um, they're both annoying as hell to me. Lara, you guys know them better, who's better?   
  
Lara: *staring off into space* Huh? Wah? Oh, mmm, well, Kain is cleaner, but he's more likely to kill us. Plus he's pretty rude, Raziel is more polite and he won't bite us. Let's call Raziel. What do you think Darc'I?   
  
Darc'I: Arrgh! I don't care! Just tell me who to call! I'm sick of holding the damn phone and having so few lines! Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!   
  
Regina: Okay, fine, here's the number: I-hate-kain. I guess you gotta put in the corresponding numbers.   
  
Darc'I: *punch, punch, punch, hands phone off to Lara, who looks rather annoyed*   
  
Lara: ...hello? Kain? What the...you two LIVE together!? Wha-Eidos knocked down the apartments-!? Well, no, stop yelling Kain honey, no-wait-come on, please put Raziel on...wait, ok, fine I'll hold. *puts hand over mouthpiece* They've knocked down about half of the apartments!   
  
Darc'I: WHAT? WHAT ABOUT MY HOME!?!   
  
Lara: I don't know, hold on, hello? Raziel? What's going on? I-yes, that's what Kain told me...um, well, we have a few questions for yah. Now foremost is did they knock down Darc'I or my homes? Darc'I's? No? Well, who the hell is using it? Gex? Gex moved in?   
  
Darc'I: TELL THAT LIZARD NOT TO TOUCH MY STUFF!   
  
Lara: Yeah, well, all right, please check on it for us. Our other question was...where are we? Natla's got Darc'I, me and Regina Valentine imprisoned up here in the Artic watching bad fanfics. We're watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer one right now...you want to come here? Kain's that bad huh? Oh, I'll check. *puts her hand over the phone again* Um, Raziel wants to come help us mock Buffy, that okay with you?   
  
Regina: Sure.   
  
Darc'I: Tell him to bring us our stuff!   
  
Regina: Advil!   
  
Lara: Okay, what about Kain? Leaving him...? Mmmkay, we'll keep you away from Natla. Bye.   
  
Everyone sits around looking bored for a few minutes; suddenly frantic pounding is heard on the door.   
  
???: Let me in! For the love of god, let me in!!! He won't leave me alone!   
  
Curious, if a bit perplexed, the gals troop to the door. About the time they get there a big argument over who gets to open the door breaks out. After a bit of a tussle Darc'I flings the door open to reveal a horrified Raziel who runs in and slams the door behind him.   
  
Raziel: Alright, I think I've lost him...   
  
Lara: Ugh, lost who?   
  
Raziel: Kain, he followed me, I can't get rid of him! He's become over dependent!!! Like a child!   
  
Darc'I: Kain? Kain as in, blood omen, Kain as in, ripped off you wings Kain? Now that's a new one.   
  
Raziel: I kid you not! I-   
  
A loud banging is heard on the door, Raziel jumps back as someone begins to yell.   
  
???: Lemme in! Com' on, Raziel! Please?!? I promise I won't try to suck your blood any more...mmmm, blood...um, I mean, come on!   
  
Raziel: *grabs Lara's shirt front* You have to hide me! I mean, were friends right!?   
  
Lara: *shoving Raziel off* All right, all right, we'll help. Darc'I, I want you to stay here and distract Kain. Make something up to keep him outside. Regina, you come with Raziel and me. We'll hide in the theater, everyone will get something out of it (except me) Darc'I'll shun her duties, you'll get to meet Raziel and I get to try and disguise Raziel as Darc'i. To the theater!!!   
  
Darc'I leans her back against the door as Lara, Raziel and Regina run off to the theater.   
  
0...6...5...4...3...2...1...0...theater.   
  
Lara middle, Regina left and Raziel takes Darc'I's place on the right.   
  
Raziel: Oh! Comfy seats!   
  
***   
The shop was rather empty for this time of day   
  
Raziel: Now what do I do here?   
Regina: You say something like, uh, "Not that it wasn't always empty..."   
Lara: Got it?   
Raziel: Got it.   
  
and Giles was beginning to worry.   
  
Lara: About ulcers, so many ulcers.   
  
Sales had been incredibly lower than usual and the place was on the verge falling behind on their bills.   
  
Raziel: IRS! Open up, you no good fer nothing!   
  
Taking his eyes off his book,   
  
Regina: He put them back in his head...   
  
the Watcher glanced over at Anya   
  
Raziel: Whom he was 'Watching.'   
  
who was currently adding to their problem by telling off a nasty customer.   
"Listen you, there is profit to be had! Don't ask me to lower a price, you--!"   
  
Lara: You-you-you something I can't say in a PG rated fic, you!   
  
"Anya!"   
  
Raziel: Get your ass over here! I want a beer!   
  
Giles came to the rescue and quickly flashed the customer a phony smile. "I-I'll take care of this Anya. Why don't you go into the back and help Dawn with inventory?"   
  
Regina: Cause I don't want to dammit!   
  
"But--!"   
"Now!"   
  
Regina: Buuuuut IIIIII dooooooooooooon't wannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnaaaaaaa!   
  
He said harshly. Anya pouted slightly and threw her hands up in the air.   
  
Lara: Unfortunately she was really short, and standing right under him. His nose was never the same.   
  
The ex-demon finally left the room quietly although she slammed the door in the process.   
  
Raziel: On 'Giles' hand, he didn't like this much so he went and shot her.   
Regina: You sound like Dante, you know that?   
Raziel: Oh joy.   
  
Giles managed to help the customer out   
  
Regina: i.e., he gave 'em a good hard kick in the arse.   
Raziel: And don't come back!   
  
and was now sitting back in his chair reading his book. He paused when he heard familiar bickering in front of the store.   
  
Lara: Oh goodness, bickering! Such strong words!   
  
"Bloody hell Slayer out of my way!"   
  
Raziel: Move it or I suck your soul, um, sucka! *shove*   
  
Spike leaped through the opened door, torn blanket drawn over him.   
  
Raziel: Help me! I can't see! I-I is blindeded!   
  
Buffy walked in calmly looking worse for wear. "Thank you Spike, for reminding me why I don't travel that way anymore."   
  
Raziel: Walking around with a fussy vampire who can't take the sun and has a sheet over his head?   
  
Buffy spotted Giles   
  
Lara: *as Buffy* Aiiiie! A monster! No one is named Giles! Eat high heel! Aiie, aiie, aiie, aiie!!!   
  
and stepped on Spike on her way over to the table. She ignored the curse from Spike.   
  
Raziel: Mother-dammit, you're wearing high heels! What do you want to do? Bust a lung!?   
  
*cut to Darc'I in the hall way, she is attempting to hold the door shut. On the other side Kain is still yelling to be let in*   
  
Darc'I: I swear! I can't get the door open Kain! Sorry!   
  
Kain: You've been saying that for the last half hour, haven't you found the key yet!?   
  
Darc'I: Ummmm...   
  
Kain: Hey, where is everyone else? LARA!? RAZIEL!? MISS.REGINAAAAA!?????   
  
Darc'I: Yes, well, they, um...mumblebummum....   
  
Kain: You didn't answer me, you just sorta mumbled off there!   
  
Darc'I: Yeah, well, you do have point there. How about this, I'll lower something out the window for you to climb up. How is that?   
  
Kain: Well...alright.   
  
Darc'I: Great, I'll get some rope! Be right back!   
  
Kain: Hey! Wait! Don't leave me alooooone!   
  
Back to theater.   
  
"Buffy, is everything alright?"   
  
Lara: No, I got stuck in the port-a-john on the way over here.   
  
"Yeah, just the usually nightly fun. Attacked by Big Bird and your usual vampire burglary."   
  
Regina: *as Guiles* Oh, that's nice, excuse me, but I have to go put my eyes back on my book.   
  
Giles raised an eyebrow and brought down his glasses. "E-E-Excuse me?" Buffy plopped down onto a chair   
  
Raziel: Which promptly collapsed out from under her.   
  
and retold the entire story.   
  
Regina: By the time she was done her tongue was really dry and no one could understand her, not that they ever did anyways...   
  
When she finished she glanced over at Spike who   
  
Lara: Had fallen asleep.   
  
was still sprawled out on the floor.   
  
Lara: Hey! I was right!   
  
Her heart skipped a beat as she remembered the gash that was on his back.   
  
Regina: The one she had created when she stepped on him? Or was there another one? Sorry, I wasn't paying any attention.   
Lara: Don't worry, we don't blame you.   
  
Also just moments before she stepped on the injury.   
  
Raziel: Sheer genius that one.   
  
"Oh god." Buffy dashed across the room and knelt down beside him. She began to shake him violently until his eyes opened slightly. "Spike! You ok?"   
  
Regina: Listen carefully, before you die, where did you put my change of high heels, I've looked everywhere I can't find them.   
  
"Bloody hell Slayer, don't yell in my ear."   
  
Raziel: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!   
  
Buffy blushed slightly and helped Spike to his feet.   
  
Lara: *cough* dragged *cough*   
  
"It's your fault you know." He said wincing slightly.   
"What?!"   
  
Regina: See? She's not paying any attention either.   
  
"Pet, if you had been paying attention that bloody bird wouldn't have taken us by surprise."   
  
Lara: *as Buffy* *sob* B-but I have bad peripheral vision! Waaaaaaahahaha!   
  
Spike explained as he took off his destroyed coat with a scowl. "You're the one who distracted me!" Buffy countered.   
  
Raziel: It wasn't phrased exactly like that though, more like: No! You're the big poopie head!   
  
The vampire raised an scarred eyebrow.   
  
Lara: *cough* painted on! *cough*   
  
"Really luv? I didn't know I had that effect on you." "No! Not like that!" Buffy yelled for the second time that night.   
  
Raziel: She was getting pretty horse by then...   
Regina: Must...get...cough drops!   
  
Giles rubbed his temples. A familiar headache was threatening to make itself known. He oddly only got this pain whenever Spike and Buffy would argue. "Will you two stop!"   
  
All: NO!   
  
Both stopped their argument and looked sheepishly towards the ground like a five-year-old in trouble.   
  
Regina: Since they had the intelligence of 5 year olds it came as no surprise.   
  
"Thank you. Now Spike, Buffy mentioned that you said something important was stolen from you tonight?"   
  
Raziel: *as spike* Wha? No, I never said that. You silly old man you.   
  
"Right...But first, do you have a first-aid kit in here Watcher?"   
  
Lara: And what might you be doing with this 'first-aid' kit, may I ask?   
  
Buffy flinched, once again she'd forgotten about Spikes injury.   
  
Regina: Forgetful aren't we?   
  
"There's one in the back." She said and led the way.   
  
Lara: *as anyone else in the cast* Um, Buffy? That's the front....   
  
When she walked in she found Xander, Dawn, Willow, Tara, and complaining an Anya all sitting at the table.   
  
Raziel: They were playing Gin Rummy! The tree was wiping everyone else's butt, if only because we don't know the character yet.   
  
"How dare he tell me to leave! I am a hard working employee...damn it...and I deserve some respect!"   
  
All: Re-re-speeeeccctttt? Suuuure, what ever THAT means.   
  
*cut back to Darc'I and Kain*   
  
Darc'I comes running back in.   
  
Darc'I: We don't have any rope.   
  
Kain: Ugh, well, what DO you have?   
  
Darc'I: Ummm, honey flavored mayonnaise? *holds bottle up to peep hole*   
  
Kain: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Let me innnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!   
  
Darc'I: I TOLD you! Door's locked!   
  
Kain: what happened to the window?   
  
Darc'I: Um, we don't have any.   
  
Kain: But I can see them!   
  
Darc'I: Oh...those are locked.   
  
Kain: *begins to cry*   
  
Darc'I: There, there.   
  
*back to theater*   
  
Buffy gestured to the first aid for Spike then took a seat at the table. "Is something wrong?" "Anya is kinda having a bad day...and she's making it the same for us." Willow said lowly.   
  
Raziel: She needed cough drops too?   
  
Buffy noticed the looks of desperation on each of her friends' faces.   
  
Lara: They REALLY, REALLY wanted her to leave.   
  
It was up to her to change the subject and hopefully distract Anya's ranting for a little while.   
  
Regina: *as Anya* And I work my ass off all day! And what do I get in return?! Nothin! Zip, nada, zilch! If I ever get my hands on that slimy no good son of a bi-   
Raziel: *yelling* we get the point!   
Lara: *also yelling* What you say!?   
  
"I...just got back got back from patrol."   
  
All: *blank looks, slow clapping* Bravo Buffy.   
  
Xander's face brightened as he got what Buffy was trying to do. "Wow! Well...why don't you tell us all about it...and don't leave out any details."   
  
Regina: *as Buffy* You give a shit suddenly?   
  
Anya made a face. "But I didn't finish my story."   
  
Lara: Too bad, shove it.   
  
"Later honey... Much later." Xander said. "Go ahead Buffy."   
Mission accomplished. Anya looked pleased enough with the answer. Although Buffy was pretty sure that Anya got the wrong idea from Xander's comment at the end.   
  
Raziel: Problem is that we still don't have any clue.   
  
"Yeah...it was pretty hectic tonight...Spike got robbed." Everyone's eyes turned to the vampire,   
  
Raziel: Oh my god! They came out and admitted he IS a vampire! Sacrilege!   
  
who was currently applying bandages to various cuts on his body.   
  
Lara: Like where Buffy had stepped on him?   
  
He jumped a bit when he looked up and saw everyone staring at him. "What?"   
  
Regina: What? Is my fly open? What?   
  
"You got robbed?" Xander asked with a look of disbelief.   
  
Lara: Yeah, it's this new fangled thing...   
  
"Yeah, what's it to ya' whelp?" Spike asked defensively. Finally, unable to control   
  
Regina: Her bladder any more...   
  
herself any more, Willow began to chuckle, followed by the rest of the Scoobies.   
  
Raziel: If they start singing what I think they are going to start singing, I'm gonna have a fit.   
  
Spike for his part looked very pissed off. "Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. Let's all have a good laugh at Spike."   
  
All: Hahaha! 'Spike', what a dumb name! Hahaha!   
  
Someone cleared his throat, stopping everyone's laughter. "Sorry to interrupt...er, Spike?" Giles straightened his glasses and looked directly at the vampire.   
  
Regina: Attempting not to laugh.   
  
Spike nodded in understanding and followed Giles out of the room.   
  
Lara: Tripped a few times, and got lost, but he eventually made it the 5 foot distance.   
  
"So, what was that about?" Tara asked quietly.   
  
All: Huh? What? What was what, what, what what?   
  
"Long story made short. Big Bird attacked.   
  
Regina: *flinging her arms over her head* Big Bird! Yay! They DO have good actors on this show!   
  
And I found out that Spike owned something more important than his TV."   
  
Raziel: Wait, did you just say he had a...TV?!?   
  
"I'm guessing that this Big Bird wasn't a resident of Sesame Street, huh?" Xander said with a smirk. "No Sesame Street." Buffy confirmed with a nod.   
  
Regina: Nooooooooo! Big Biiiirrrrdddd!   
  
No one said anything for a few minutes, until Anya suddenly   
  
Lara: Remembered her lines?   
  
brightened. "Hey Xander, isn't that the show that you watched that one time after--?" "Anya honey!" Xander interrupted, panic-stricken. "Haven't we had this talk already? We do not share...personal things in front of our friends...ever!"   
  
Raziel: Well, what the hell do we discuss?   
  
don't want to know." Dawn said with a roll of her eyes.   
  
Lara: They rolled out of her head? Please let it be so! Ahhh! Look! The little stars are back!   
All: Ahhhhhahahaha!   
***   
"Um... take a seat there, Spike."   
  
Raziel: No wait there, hold on, how about here? No, that's no good...   
  
Giles gestured.   
  
Regina: Inappropriately.   
  
"Now tell about this item that was stolen from you."   
Spike took a quick glance around the shop. Satisfied that there was no one else in there with them he turned back to the Watcher.   
  
Lara: *smugly* whom was watching him.   
  
"Right...Now, don't play dumb with me Watcher, I know you don't tell your Slayer about everything."   
  
Regina: This is true, I haven't told her that I think her mom is a jerk...yet.   
  
Giles was about to protest when Spike put his hand up to silence him.   
  
Lara: i.e. smacked him around the head.   
  
Spike had over a hundred year's knowledge on the council and how they ran things. There was no way that Giles could avoid the subject.   
  
Raziel: There is no way to deny you have been sneaking puddings! Confess! Confess!   
  
"Now, now. Don't get your knickers in a twist Watcher. Just stating a fact.   
  
All: Wow, there's something you don't see on this show often.   
  
Anyway, don't deny that you and the Council have information on a monster called Shabrinigdo and don't wish to share it with anyone."   
  
All: Shrigaboorigaarrrnaghewa-whozza?   
  
Giles fumbled with his glasses for a moment before he looked back at Spike. A small glimmer of the man once known as "Ripper" lurked in his eyes. "Get to the point Spike."   
  
Lara: But I AM the point! Ha! Get it!? I kill me!   
Regina: Yes Lara, no more coffee for you.   
  
"I bought this item from these blokes the other night. Was going to bring it here, I was, thought you might want a look at it. Guess it's a little late for that now..." Spike decided to get straight to the point when he saw Giles roll his eyes. "It's a piece of Shabrinigdo, and god knows who has it now."   
  
Raziel: It was a piece of a big bird monster? No wonder it was pissed.   
  
Giles dropped his teacup, shattering it all over the floor. "Dear lord..."   
  
Regina: My fingers are malfunctioning!   
  
Buffy and the others soon ran into the room in response to the noise. "What was that? Everything all right?"   
  
Lara: No! My teacup! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!   
  
"No...no I'm afraid everything is not all right." Giles said quietly enough that no one heard him.   
  
Raziel: And since no one heard him they all went home and this thing ended up killing everyone, the end!   
  
*cut to Darc'I and Kain*   
  
Darc'I: Alright, if YOU have any good ideas then tell me! I'm all out.   
  
Kain: FIND THE GODDAMN KEY!!!!   
  
Darc'I: I told you-   
  
Suddenly the buttons on the rec room table begins to flash.   
  
Darc'I: Oh no!   
  
Natla: Hmmm, shouldn't they be-oh, Miss. Stern. Where are the other two?   
  
Darc'I: Um....   
  
Kain: IS THERE A KEY OR NOT!?!   
  
Natla: What was that!?   
  
Darc'I: Nothing! Nothing at all! Lara and Regina are, um, ah, I'll get back to you on that! *turns off the view screen* Whew.   
  
Kain: What's going on!? Daaaarrrrcccc'iiiiiiii! Lemme innnnnnnnnn!   
  
Darc'I: Oh shut up.   
  
*back to theater*   
  
Lara: Wee! More stars!   
***   
Giles hadn't told her or the other scoobs what was going on,   
  
Regina: Hadn't told the scrubs either.   
  
but instead went into research mode...solo style.   
  
Raziel: Is it me, or was that really, really stupid sounding?   
  
When the sun set again, Buffy and Spike were sent out to do some patrolling.   
  
Lara: Get the hell out you moochers!   
  
Both weren't looking forward to it, considering the event that had taken place the night before and also the fact that neither of them had slept for over 24 hours.   
  
Regina: But then, considering they both look like drug addicts, it didn't really matter much to them.   
  
Fortunately, that hadn't had any encounters so far.   
"Is this always so bloody boring?" Spike asked.   
  
All: Yes.   
  
"Not always."   
  
Regina: Stop lying Butt-head, err, 'Buffy.'   
  
As if to prove her point, a vampire chose that moment to jump out from behind a bush.   
  
Regina: Boogie, boogie, boogie!   
  
He was dust before his feet touched the ground. "See?" Buffy said smugly. Spike gave her a small grin and then stopped in his tracks. "Oh bloody hell, not again."   
  
Lara: You know what?   
Raziel: What?   
Lara: I'm really beginning to think this guy is supposed to be a Brit.   
  
The vampire pulled out a bent, empty box of cigarettes from his pocket. He'd been stuck in that shop all day and didn't have time to buy more. He tossed the useless trash to the ground with a huff.   
  
Raziel: Isn't Buffy the one that's supposed to be huffy?   
  
Buffy stared at him in disgust. "Did you just litter?"   
  
Regina: Of course not, I just returned it to the earth.   
  
She said as she picked the box up and disposed it in a nearby trash can.   
"Didn't know you were such a tree hugger Buffy.   
  
Lara: Well I am, so shove it!   
  
Besides, do you know whom you're talking to? You think that I'd care about a bloody box after all the stuff I've done?"   
Buffy looked visibly embarrassed, "Drop dead!"   
  
Regina: Note that that was said in a high bitchy little voice.   
  
"Too late."   
"Shut up!"   
  
Lara: Yeah, you hurt my feelings!   
***   
Giles was ready to snap.   
  
Raziel: Then someone hit him and he did. It was messy.   
  
He knew the children meant well but they had no clue what they were dealing with. Shabrinigdo was pure evil.   
  
Lara: Like pure sugar is any better.   
  
tell everyone he wanted to research alone, however that was proving to be quite a difficult task.   
  
Regina: Especially when he was working in the middle of a street.   
  
He noticed Buffy's friends glancing over his shoulder from time to time and it was rather distracting.   
  
Raziel: Particularly since they were drooling.   
Regina: Eww.   
  
Giles heard the faint sound of someone entering the shop. It was much too early for Spike and Buffy to be back from patrol.   
  
Lara: But that didn't mean it wasn't them, lazy little buggers.   
  
Curiosity winning over research, Giles glanced up from his books. The sight before him both shocked and angered him.   
  
Raziel: So angry that his eyes promptly fell out.   
Lara: *feeling around as Giles* Give me a sec.   
  
"Hello..."   
  
All: MISTER BOND!   
***   
"I could've handled that last one you know." Buffy argued with her arms crossed.   
  
Regina: Important little fact that.   
  
They had only seen one other vampire during patrol, and he'd caught Buffy by surprise.   
  
Regina: Boogie, boogie, boogie! Again!   
  
But that didn't mean she was in danger. And it certainly didn't mean that she needed help from Spike.   
  
Lara: *as Buffy* If you want to help me, then ram your head into them.   
  
"Sorry luv, I thought that look of terror on your face was my cue to jump in. I'll just stand on the sidelines from now on."   
  
Raziel: Damn straight.   
  
Spike said with sarcasm. "You know, normally a person would say thank you when their life is saved. Is that so bloody much to ask?"   
  
Regina: You know, I don't think he's saying 'bloody' so much because he's a Brit, I think it's because he's a vampire. That's all that's on his mind, see?   
Raziel&Lara: You do have a point there.   
  
"Yes it is. I am not thanking you Spike. I could have handled that fight myself"   
  
All: What fight!? Nothing happened!   
  
Though the beginning of that sentence sounded good, towards the end she sounded less confident.   
  
Lara: She would have to take that up with her English teacher, oh, wait, she doesn't go to school.   
  
Buffy swung The Magic Box's door wide open.   
  
Regina: And crushed who ever was on the other side.   
Raziel: Ow dammit!   
  
She nearly lost her balance when she looked at who was sitting in there.   
  
Lara: Bill Gates!   
Regina: Mohamed Ali!   
Raziel: Mr. T!   
  
The regulars were there.   
  
Regina: Unfortunately.   
  
Xander, Anya, Tara, Willow, and Dawn all looked up at the same time as she entered the shop. Buffy spotted Giles in the back corner,   
  
Raziel: Cowering?   
  
looking slightly annoyed. Then her eyes turned towards her ex-boyfriend.   
  
Lara: Oh, I pity that fool.   
"Angel."   
  
*some where Squall is reading the same fic*   
Squall: ! He-he has a worse name then I do! Bwahaha, haha, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! A man with the name 'Angel' oh god that's rich! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!   
*back to theater*   
  
Sitting with him was Cordelia, Wesley, and another man she didn't recognize.   
  
Regina: Unfortunately for the guy He recognized Her...he ran out of the room screaming.   
  
She lost her voice, she was so choked up with emotions that she could barely breath.   
  
All: Whack, hack, coff, kack! Air! I need air!   
  
Luckily, or unluckily, however you looked at it, Spike stepped in from behind Buffy.   
  
Raziel: Then Buffy steped I front of him, then him in front of her, and on and on until they had scooted all the way out of the building. Everyone else found this reason enough to celebrate so they did.   
  
"Geez...It's like a bloody reunion! All we need now is-"   
  
All: MR. T!!!   
  
Spikes words were cut off with the ear numbing sound of glass shattering onto the ground. All eyes whirled to the front of the store where a vicious fight was taking place between two mysterious creatures.   
  
Lara: *as Guiles* Dagnabit! And all over my nice neat side walk too!   
  
Normally Buffy would jump in and try to break it up, but   
  
Raziel: But she was feeling lazy so she let it be.   
  
the Slayer's eyes were transfixed on the battle. Both combatants were amazingly strong, throwing punches with much ease.   
  
Regina: She was dead almost instantly!   
  
It was almost...beautiful.   
  
Lara: Almost, but not quite.   
  
Buffy felt as though she was watching a rehearsed fight, like something you'd see in a movie or on TV. Their moves were fast yet accurate, never missing their target. It almost seemed like a dance.   
  
Regina: I hate to say this but, break dance fighting!   
  
Buffy felt a chill up her spine.   
  
Lara: Then she began to have seizures...   
  
No, this wasn't a dance or a performance. This was a cruel, violent battle where only one person would leave alive. Her darker side, her fighter, had relished at the sight,   
  
Raziel: And so did the rest of her, go figure.   
  
but she put those frightening thoughts as far in the back of her mind as she could and watched as one of the fighters executed the final move.   
The winner breathed heavily and   
  
Lara: Promptly collapsed dead, boy does Buffy need a bath!   
  
stared at the pile of dust that had once been his enemy and stood up on shaky knees. Turning towards the other occupants of the shop, the winner slowly stepped into the light to reveal a somewhat familiar face.   
  
Regina: but the face was too unfamiliar so everyone bum rushed him.   
  
"Well...I was going to say 'all we need now is Captain Cardboard. But I guess this works too. Hello Wolf Boy."   
  
All: Huh?   
  
Oz for his part looked almost completely unfazed by the entire situation and said calmly. "Hey..."   
  
Raziel: What do I win!? Oh boy, what DO I win!?   
***   
The silence was so extreme that someone could've heard a pin drop.   
  
Lara: Which they did, this frightened them all so badly everyone ran home crying.   
  
Everyone just stared dumbly   
  
All: *snicker*   
  
at their friend, who had made a rather grand entrance only moments before.   
  
Regina: Note that this was only a rather grand entrance as opposed to a completely grand entrance.   
  
Oz   
  
All: We're off to see the wizard! The wonderful wizard of Oz!   
  
shifted uneasily and blushed slightly at the looks he was receiving. This for Oz was the equivalent of dying of embarrassment. He was a mellow kind of guy that's just who he was.   
  
Regina: He is who he is, that is who he is. Is he yes? Yes he is.   
  
However, even he couldn't completely ignore twelve people staring at him as though he had grown a third eye.   
  
Raziel: Because he had grown a third eye?   
  
Getting slightly frustrated he asked in his usual tone. "What?"   
  
Lara: You've grown a third eye, can't you see?   
  
Buffy felt as though her eyes were going to pop out of her head.   
  
Regina: Then they did, she couldn't find them and no one else wanted to touch them so she had to go out of business. Peace settled o'er the land.   
  
So much stuff had happened since she walked threw the door. She actually wished she were still patrolling and arguing with Spike.   
  
Lara: Perhaps it might have escalated to a fistfight, that would have been fun!   
  
That was routine, normal even.   
  
Lara: What, fistfights?   
  
This was far from normal. Buffy recognized Oz as soon as he stepped into the light, although if she hadn't she probably would have attacked him without a second thought.   
  
Raziel: *as Buffy* Hey! Look! Some one named Oz! No one is named Oz! Kill 'em! Eat high heel!!!   
  
The most noticeable thing was the ears.   
  
Lara: yes, he has ears, big deal.   
  
They were long and pointed, and lightly covered with fur. His entire body was also covered lightly with the same dark fur. His eyes were black and cold, yet somewhere in their depths Buffy could see emotion.   
  
Regina: Emotion that said "I vant to eat you whole!"   
  
Buffy also spotted small fangs when he spoke.   
  
Raziel: They were sinking into her neck at the time...   
  
Oz must have finally realized what everyone was staring at because we quickly shifted into his human form with a small apology.   
  
Lara: *as Oz* WELL, I'M SOOO SORRY THAT YOU ARE OFFENED BY MY NATURE LOOKS! I'M LEAVING!!! *sob*   
  
Giles finally stepped out from the corner and looked at Oz with an amazed look.   
  
Regina: Well, he would have if he had his eyes in.   
  
Buffy finally averted her eyes back at Angel, who was staring at her intently. "Um...I'll be right back."   
  
Raziel: Got to make a quick pit stop at the cemetery, do we?   
  
Buffy headed towards the door and gestured for Angel to follow.   
  
Lara: By gesturing they mean, "Get your badly named ass over here! NOW!"   
  
Angel did so, but couldn't help but notice the dirty look he got from Spike.   
  
Regina: Ewwww, dirty looks...   
  
Cut to Darc'I, she is leaning out a high window looking down at some thing. After a second Kain's hands come in to view, he is obviously trying to jump up   
  
Darc'I: Oh come on! I thought you had super powers! You're a wuss!   
  
Kain: Shut up! Maybe if you would get off your dead butt and find me something other than honey-flavored mayonnaise   
  
Darc'I: Oh, yeah, so, um, did it taste any good?   
  
Kain: I wouldn't know, my mouth froze long ago!!!   
  
Darc'I: Um, well, that's not my fault is it!?   
  
Kain: yes it is!   
  
Darc'I: No it's not!   
  
Kain: Stop that right now! I refuse to get into a Monty Python skit with you!   
  
Darc'I: Oh, you're a big poopie head.   
  
Kain: Oh, god...   
  
*back to theater*   
***   
Buffy ran   
  
Lara: Straight into on coming traffic.   
  
a practice conversation through her head. She had an idea what to say, but   
  
Regina: That was a lie, she never had any ideas.   
  
she didn't want any surprises. Leaning against the alleyway she inhaled a deep breathe   
  
Raziel: What else would she do with it?   
  
and stared at her ex-lover   
  
Regina: Is this the wolf man or one of the badly named freaks? I'm losing track.   
  
with her own version of Willow's famous "resolve face."   
  
Lara: I resolve to have a face, I resolve! To have a face!   
  
"So...what brings you here?"   
  
Raziel: I needed a bathroom break, could I have some privacy?   
  
"We...need to talk." Angel said quietly.   
"Right...talk..."   
  
Lara: Um, what's that?   
  
"Do you know what we're dealing with? What did Giles tell you?"   
  
Regina: He was busy looking for his eyes, he didn't tell me diddlysquat...but then he never does anyway...   
  
Buffy frowned slightly. "I didn't know we we're dealing..."   
  
All: Drugs?   
  
"There's something big coming, I thought I should help."   
  
Raziel: Why in the world would you think that? You mean you don't want her dead?   
  
Buffy couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. Of course that's why he came, what did she expect?   
  
Lara: A surprise party?   
  
He never stayed long, except if another apocalypse was on the way.   
  
Raziel: So THAT'S why he's here! He's got to kill Buffy! It all makes sense now!   
  
She didn't know why she expected this time to be different.   
  
Regina: 'Cause she's a selfish little git?   
  
Buffy was driven away from her thoughts as a bloodcurdling scream could be heard from the shop.   
  
Lara: *at the top of her lungs* NO! I WANN PLAY BLACK JACK! NOT TWISTER! STOP ARGUING! WE GOT TO DO THIS BEFORE BUFFY GETS BACK!   
Raziel: Ow, I don't think I can hear anything...   
Regina: What?   
  
With a small nod from Angel, she ran towards the shop.   
  
Raziel: forgetting the door was closed she ran into it and got a concussion. Celebration ensued.   
  
Everyone was gathered around Cordelia, mixed faces of fear and concern.   
  
Lara: *as Buffy* Did I hear the word 'Twister'?   
  
Angel seemed unfazed and took a step towards Cordelia, "What'd you see?"   
  
Regina: Nothing, I just had a migraine attack.   
  
Cordelia massaged her temples with annoyance. Angel always had a way to get straight to the point. And at this moment, after what she'd seen, she was in no mood to complain. "Guys, we're heading to the beach."   
  
Lara: Here come the stars again, oh gads! How much more is there!? I don't think I can take much more teenage slander!   
Regina: Hold in there, I think we're almost done...2 more pages. Damn.   
  
***   
"You know, I've been wanting to go to the beach for a long time...although I pictured my visit during the day and, of course, with the important element of fun involved."   
  
Raziel: Who says evil can't be fun?   
  
Xander said with a small smile.   
  
Lara: It was really small because the others were bored and stitched his mouth shut.   
  
No one replied. He was nervous, he just dealt with things with a joke and a small laugh. It kept him from getting too worried... it kept him from getting killed.   
  
Regina: Well, it usually kept him from getting killed...and, and...*sob!* I can't take this any more! Lara's right! Let's get out of here! I don't give a damn what happens! Get me outta here!   
Lara: *slaps Regina* Get a hold on your self woman; we're all in this boat together. We'll make it through.   
Raziel: Wow, I think Natla's plan is working.   
Regina & Lara: Shut up.   
  
Xander couldn't help but feel a little bitter.   
  
Raziel: Cloves will do that to you.   
  
Cordy had one of her "visions;" indicating that there was some evil coming via sea ship. Worse of all was how insignificant Xander felt at that moment. He had a weapon, of course, a heavy weapon at that.   
  
Regina: His head, it was so thick no one could penetrate it.   
  
However, he did not feel safe. It had to be the coldest night of the year,   
  
Lara: Yet Buffy was still running around scantily dressed. Go figure.   
Raziel: Not like you don't.   
Lara: That isn't my fault and you know it, anyway, when I'm not out there I'm dressed perfectly normal. Unlike you I feel jeans and a tee shirt are comfy.   
Raziel: I don't have any flesh!   
Lara: Excuses, excuses.   
  
his breathe came out in a cloud of fog; the wind chilling him to the bone. Or perhaps that was him shivering in fear; he didn't want to know.   
  
Regina: Neither do we.   
  
He was in good hands, this he knew. However, why he was chosen to help out on this mission was beyond him. Here he was, gangly, mortal Xander Harris   
  
Lara: No mortal is named 'Xander', he's lying!   
  
standing in the middle of some of the strongest fighters in Sunnydale.   
  
Regina: Which says a lot about the fighters or Sunnydale.   
  
The Slayer, two master vampires, and a werewolf all stood in various battle stances; their muscles were tight in anticipation.   
  
Raziel: Rip, oops, popped out of our clothes there. Hold on a sec...   
  
He never felt more out of place in his entire life...then again...there was always High School, he thought with a wistful grin.   
"You sure this boat is coming Peaches?" Spike asked impatiently as he exhaled a puff of smoke.   
Angel chose to ignore the nickname given to him by the younger vampire and kept his eyes on the ocean. "She hasn't been wrong yet."   
  
*Squall, again* HA! Peaches! That is even worse! I repeat my mirthful laughter, HA!   
  
Buffy tightened her grip on the crossbow Giles had given her. She most likely wouldn't have much use for it, if it weren't vampires or humans on this ship, she'd have to depend on strength alone.   
  
Lara: But since she didn't have much of that her high heels and bouncing anatomy would have to suffice.   
Regina: Boingy, boingy, boingy.   
  
She was growing bored, the others had stayed behind to do research and they'd been waiting here for about an hour. She shot a glance at each of her companions.   
Xander was bouncing on the balls of his feet; his eyes were searching the ocean, panic was on his face, although he tried to hide it with a small grin. He was scared to death, and Buffy couldn't really blame him for that.   
  
Raziel: Sure she could, you big wussy! Why the hell you here if you can't handle the pressure boy!?   
  
Angel was...well, Angel. His eyes were furrowed,   
  
All: Ow.   
  
as though he were deep in concentration. His nostrils were flared slightly, obviously trying to sense the enemy with his keen senses.   
  
Lara: Oh, those kinky keen senses.   
  
Spike lit his fifth cigarette without a care in the world. He looked as though he thought this fight would be like a chore more than a serious battle. He turned his head slightly when Buffy looked at him. He gave her a small wink and a smile. Buffy rolled her eyes in disgust.   
  
Lara: They fell out of her head once more.   
Regina: *as Buffy* God!...bless it! Give me a second.   
  
Oz sat on the sand; eyes set on the ocean. Glaring at it as though the waves themselves were his enemy,   
  
Regina: Stay back you nasty waves you!   
  
crashing against the rocks with immense force. He hadn't said anything since his arrival. This was not unusual for Oz, although Buffy still didn't know why he suddenly showed up and why he was able to change forms so easily.   
  
Lara: He wanted to confuse her, apparently he was succeeding.   
  
She decided to sit next to him and talk; it would pass the time a little better. She plopped onto the ground and decided to start the conversation. "So...what brought you here?" Oz actually seemed a little shocked that someone had spoken to him, he quickly covered that up and   
  
Raziel: Began to look annoyed.   
  
replied, "I heard something big was coming."   
  
Lara: Angelina Jolie's lips.   
  
Buffy raised an eyebrow. "I've heard that an awful lot today." Oz grinned slightly. "Trust me, it is really big this time."   
  
Regina: Bigger than that hoagie you ate at last years fair?   
  
With that he stared back at the ocean, the same intensity in his eyes. Buffy sighed inwardly, Oz never was an easy person to have a conversation with.   
  
Lara: Hmmm, maybe it was just her...   
  
No one said anything for a while, all five of them were lost in their own thoughts. The only sound was waves clashing together. Suddenly, a light could be seen in the distance. Small at first, but then it became more noticeable.   
  
Raziel: As it shined straight into their eyes they froze like deer.   
  
"Oh bloody hell! Get down!" Spike didn't even drop his cigarette before he hit the ground with his hands over his head.   
  
Lara: He ended up inhaling it, icky.   
  
Buffy didn't question; she simply followed his lead. A loud sound echoed off the rocks, causing Buffy to cover her ears in pain.   
  
Regina: As she rolled around yelling 'Oh god! Oh god!'   
  
Something whizzed passed her with great speed and then crashed a few feet away from her. Buffy reluctantly lifted her head to see what it was. Despite the darkness, she could still see the item perfectly clear.   
  
Regina: *as Buffy* It's Mr.T's van! Run or he'll put us in youth centers and we won't get to torture anyone anymore!   
  
"They're shooting cannons at us?!" Buffy yelled in disbelief. No one could hear her though,   
  
Lara: They were laughing too hard at her.   
  
before the words even came out of her mouth, many more cannons were shot into the air.   
All five companions stood in mild shock at the sight before them. "Oh yeah. I'm definitely killing Cordy after this."   
  
Raziel: Let's all kill 'Cordy'!   
  
Xander said as his eyes found their way to the boat, which was filled with living, walking, and talking skeletons. Satisfied with his last remark, Xander let out a battle cry and followed the others to the ship.   
  
All:...   
  
Lara: Was that it?   
  
Regina: Kinda anticlimactic don't you think? I mean, living skeletons? What the hell is with that?   
  
Raziel: I am thoroughly insulted.   
  
*the all get up to leave*   
  
Lara: You know, I think there was an on going theme in there.   
  
Regina: What?   
  
Lara: Ongoing Stupidity.   
  
Raziel: Damn straight.   
  
6...5...4...3...2...1...0...hallway.   
  
  
They all come out into the hall way to find Darc'I desperately trying to keep the door shut and Kain sticking his arm through and swatting at her.   
  
Darc'I: How the hell would I have known it would make you break out in hives!?!?   
  
Kain: You knew! You kneewwwwwwww! *wacks Darc'i*   
  
Darc'I: Ow! Hey-*looks up* It's done!? Oh thank the heavens! *steps away from the door and Kain come falling through*   
  
Kain: Ack!   
  
Lara: Okay, I think it's time for you two to leave.   
  
Raziel: Aw man.   
  
Regina: Oh shut up and get the hell out.   
  
Kain: B-but I just got here!   
  
Raziel: *grabbing Kain* If you ever want to be invited back I suggest we leave now.   
  
Kain: NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!*fades away*   
  
Lara: Well...how did you keep him out there so long?   
  
Darc'I: He broke out in hives when I gave him the honey mayonnaise from the back of the fridge.   
  
Regina: But that's been in there forever!   
  
Darc'I: Oh well, he's the living dead, won't hurt him too much. Anyway, that wore me out, I'm off to take a nappy pie. YOU get to think up an excuse for all of this for Natla. *wanders off*   
  
Lara&Regina: Oh no...   
  
Light on table begins to flash, both women run from the room.   
  
Natla: Hello? Hellllooo? Anyone there? Oh come on! Where the hell are you guys!? Lara? Hello...?   
  
This is the end, my only friend the end...(annoying person butts in)   
  
Annoying person: Is it? Is it REALLY???


End file.
